Self Torment

There is a part of me that is healing and I need to be honest with my self, and I have a confession to make to the ones I love most. As a child I had a great life, I was a happy child but slowly as I got older I started to destroy myself. I hurt the ones i loved most. I suffered in my self torment and I couldn’t stop it. I know I caused a lot of pain through my childhood to my family and friends. I went from being the baseball playing, loving and happy child to this sad, lonely and self destructive thing that my family didn’t recognize. It wasn’t just a period of my life it became my life, and it wasn’t on and off like the psychiatrists said it was, it was a daily battle to get up, get ready and go to school. I was this empty shell, I went out with my family and I wouldn’t talk, another birthday would pass by and I begged for it to be over. I’ll admit it I begged for me to die and to be gone. It took me 8 years to finally start coming out of this and begin filling my shell. I remember countless times I tried to come out of it and I was crushed by people I thought were my friends, I remember being told countless times to not let what other people say bother me but I did and no one realized that. I remember countless times of trying to explain why I was upset and being told that silly or that’s not a real reason. Being told at ages 8-16 “you are worthless” or “You are a nobody” “you have no friends” it usually had some effect on me. I never had the courage to stand up for myself because I felt like I had no one backing me up and that’s severe depressions hold on me. I had felt defenseless in a world that showed me I was worthless. I was told I wouldn’t amount to anything in this world and it hurt a lot. I had some help to fight the battle, it helped a little, and that was music, and my family finally starting listening to me instead of the doctors, that even thou they believed that they got into my head, they never did I was just filling these 60 minutes of talking with babble so I could go back home into my darkness. The darkness I had over me had a hold like handcuffs on a criminal. I couldn’t handle a lot of things and usually that’s what got me in the most trouble with myself. I am starting to heal and I have since my senior year in high school and it’s going to be a long Journey. The battle is still existent and I struggle all the time but everyday I see a little more of that 3rd grader that was as happy as any 3rd grader should be.
Im sorry, I am not perfect but I’m not sorry for what that pain made me into today, Im kind and caring and Im sorry. Its time to live my life. Not only Live my life but i need to save it. i am slowly rebuilding myself from the ashes and it may take a while, I know some are willing to stay and help me rebuild what I tore a part but I understand what I did hurt a lot of people and made them unsure of who I was. For that, I am so sorry and I love you with all my heart, my family, my friends and the ones I pushed away.

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